Psychological/Emotional Abuse

There is no exhaustive list of the different signs of emotional abuse as perpetrators employ a wide range of personalised, psychological tactics to manipulate and frighten a person, distorting their thoughts and changing their sense of self to maintain control.

There are a variety of types of behaviour that could be classed as emotional abuse. These include:

• Intimidation and threats
  This could be things like shouting, acting aggressively or just generally making you feel scared. This is often done as a way of making a person feel small and stopping them from standing up for themselves.
  
  
• Criticism
  This could be things like name-calling or making lots of unpleasant or sarcastic comments. This can really lower a person’s self-esteem and self-confidence.
  
  
• Undermining
  This might include things like dismissing your opinion. It can also involve making you doubt your own opinion by acting as if you're being oversensitive if you do complain, disputing your version of events or by suddenly being really nice to you after being cruel.
  
  
• Being made to feel guilty
  This can range from outright emotional blackmail (threats to kill oneself or lots of emotional outbursts) to sulking all the time or giving you the silent treatment as a way of manipulating you.
  
  
• Economic abuse
  This can be withholding money, not involving you in finances or even preventing you from getting a job. This could be done as a way of stopping you from feeling independent and that you’re able to make your own choices.
  
  
• Telling you what you can and can’t do
  As the examples above make clear, emotional abuse is generally about control. Sometimes this is explicit. Does your partner tell you when and where you can go out, or even stop you from seeing certain people? Do they try to control how you dress or how you style your hair?

Examples of emotional abuse can include:

• Making unreasonable demands such as expecting you to drop everything to spend time with them
  
  
• Not allowing you to have a different opinion to them
  
  
• Dismissing what you say as fiction or a lie
  
  
• Refusing to accept how you feel about a situation
  
  
• Accusing you of exaggerating everything
  
  
• Telling you, you’re needy or selfish when you tell them your wants or needs
  
  
• Constantly picking faults in your appearance or pointing out your flaws
  
  
• Humiliating you in public or in private and making out like it isn’t a big deal
  
  
• Treating you like you’re inferior
  
  
• Belittling you with how they speak to you
  
  
• Controlling who you see and when
  
  
• Tracking you electronically, such as with a GPS on your car or on apps like ‘Find my friends’
  
  
• Using their jealousy and/or paranoia as a sign of love

Sometimes people, especially Black femmes, wonder whether ‘abuse’ is the right term to describe any relationship difficulties they’re going through. They may feel like their partner/family member shouts at them a lot or makes them feel bad but think ‘abuse’ would be too ‘dramatic’ a word to use.

But the point about whether the behaviour is abusive, is how it makes you feel. If the persons behaviour makes you feel small, controlled or as if you’re unable to talk about what’s wrong, it’s abusive. If you feel like the person is stopping you from being able to express yourself, it’s abusive. If you feel you have to change your actions to accommodate that persons behaviour, it’s abusive.

There may be many reasons for partners behaving in this way. They may have grown up in a family environment where there was lots of shouting or sarcasm or been in relationships in the past that made them feel insecure. Sometimes in couple counselling, we are able to consider those behaviours and the impact on your relationship. But while this might help us to understand, it can never be used as an excuse – so whether it’s on purpose or not, it isn’t OK. If you feel like you’re being subjected to abusive behaviour, remember you deserve to have a voice, and you don’t deserve to be made to feel scared or small.

Everyone responds differently to emotional and psychological abuse – so whatever someone feels is a valid response. But, for lots of people, it can have a long-lasting impact on their feelings and wellbeing.

If you have experienced emotional and psychological abuse of any kind – whether it was recently or a long time ago – HERSANA is here for you. We will listen to you, believe you and create a safe space for you.

We know that it can be hard to approach the topic of abuse with a friend, colleague or family member. It’s important to remember that they may not want to speak to you, or may even react badly to you trying to discuss the situation with them. They also may not recognise what they’re going through as abuse, even if you are sure it is. They may try to play it down or they could defend their partner’s actions. All of these reactions are common from victims of abuse, so whatever you do, make sure to accept your friend, family member or colleague’s reaction and don’t pressure them into talking. Although you may be tempted to try and encourage them to speak or seek professional support, you may have to accept that they are not ready for that step.

If they are ready to talk and confide in you, it’s a good idea to be able to signpost to organisations that can offer professional support as well as offering a listening ear yourself, if you can.

For Black femmes experiencing any form of domestic abuse, including emotional abuse, we can offer free and confidential help and advice.